In 2007, when I was young and dumb and full of rum (was?), I packed up all of my important belongings and followed The Canadian to the other side of the world. To the place he called “The Great White North” and “home”.
Before I moved to this other-hemispherical country, I had only heard stories of its sub- zero temperatures and had never experienced them first hand. It’s laughable to think that when The Canadian told me it could get to 40 below, I genuinely and naively assumed he was blowing smoke up my arse.
The day I left Australia, it was 42 degrees Celsius. 30 whatever hours later I arrive in Ottawa, Canada- a.k.a THE COLDEST EFFING PLACE ON THE PLANET! Where I had effectively gone from 40 above to 20 below, that’s a 60 degree difference people. 60 DEGREES!
No person nor thing can prepare a little Aussie kid for the torture of sub – zero temperatures. Nor can one be prepared for the horrific wretchedness of snow and all that it encompasses.
All that it encompasses:
- Snow itself- The white stuff that looks so romantic and beautiful from inside by the fire but drags you outside, away from said fire, to shovel it all from your driveway and off your car:
- The actual temperatures needed to produce the right environment for snow- That which forced me to wear water-proof boots, look like the Michelin man and spend 10 minutes prior to leaving the house dressing:
- Slush- The disgusting, cold, wet point where the snow is beginning to melt into water but hasn’t quite made it.
- Ice- My number one enemy in the universe. If I was more conceited, I could be convinced ice was created purely to taunt me. Bane of existence= Ice.
I’m a klutz. I’ll be the first to admit it. If there is a knee to be knocked, a hole to fall in, or a something to trip on, I am always (unwillingly) able to oblige. Now, Ice and I, we started off ok; I would jump on the weak ice and feel that satisfying crack as it shattered. Alas, I became cocky. I realise that now. I was way too exuberant in such a volatile environment. One day, I was running and jumping to crack the ice in my driveway and what was subsequently cracked was not the ice, but my back and the back of my head.
Ice-1
Corinda-0
What proceeded from this day forth was a monumental thrashing in which ice took the trophy and I took seemingly endless and physically brutal beatings.
Needless to say, the next year and a half was spent dressed like the Michelin man and mostly prostrate. Not in the way you may be thinking (kinky?), but flat on my back, humiliated after another beating by the ice.
My attempts at skiing were an (absolutely hilarious) disaster. Fortunately for you, my darling friend, The Spaniard caught footage of me on one of these attempts. Thus for your viewing pleasure I have included it here for you. Me attempting to cross country ski down a very small pimple of a hill, will surely prove how incompetent I was when it came to things of the other hemisphere:
Like laughing at other people’s inabilities do you? You’re sick you know that?
I completely agree with you about there being nothing worse than the effing cold and all the things associated with it! I see you have come to your senses and are now back in OZ so good on you girl. ...Looking forward to reading more of your posts.
I can appreciate how you must have felt having to dress like the Michelin man. That's something I resisted when I first moved to NYC. Everyone else was wearing down coats, but not me! (I have one now, but it is more fitted than most--I didn't want to sacrifice my sense of style completely!)
Incidentally, I have an interview with an Aussie on my blog, Seen the Elephant, who says that one of her very favorite things about London is snow! (She hails from Melbourne.) But after reading your post, I'm not sure she knows what snow is... (Perhaps you'd like to comment on that?! You could speak with some authority!!!)
You may also be interested in hearing about another blog I'm now following. It's called Finally Woken and is by an Indonesian Aussie named Anita McKay. She has just posted that she can't bear the winters in Perth (as compared to Scotland, where she once lived and where her hubby is from).
You know, I hate to say this but you Aussies are giving the Brits a run for their money with your penchant for moaning about the weather... ;-)
Oh Ranters Box, you are a gem x
ML, I would love to comment on that ! I am actually the head of the cheer squad for no snow! Let me know xx
In that case, pls go to http://seentheelephant.blogspot.com/2010/07/melbourne-girl-gives-london-burl-comes.html and add your comment to the comment box. I'm sure Kym will get back to you. She always has something to say! :-)